professionally polite and detached

So if I’m understanding you correctly, you’re having difficulty viewing and editing the widget TPS report? I wish I could help you with that, but unfortunately the TPS report is not one of the reports our department handles and I’m not familiar with widgets. I can hear that you’re frustrated, though, and I’m sorry that there’s not an immediate fix to the problem. The best recommendation I can make at this point would be to shove it up your self-righteous ass, you elitist condescending dickhead. Just because you have a PhD and I was considerate enough to answer my phone, does not mean you have the right to be patronizing and verbally abusive. Rot in hell, you fucktard.