I ain’t got it. There are times in my life when I feel confident and self-assured, but that certain je ne sais quoi that pushes one over the edge into moxie territory is missing from my repertoire. I mean, I’m not afraid of confrontation. I was raised Southern (borderline redneck) and being confrontational is hardwired into my programming, like my affinity for sweet tea, thunderstorms, and college basketball. I call people on their bullshit—to a near pathological extent. Even if we’ve just met, even if it’s ill-timed and highly inappropriate, if somebody starts talking crap, I can’t just let it go. I think that part of my nature has to do with my inability—or unwillingness—to lie. I honestly can’t say whether or not I’m a good liar, because I really just don’t do it very often. But just because I don’t pull my punches, can’t keep my mouth shut, and have no tact doesn’t mean I’ve got moxie.

I really admire those fearless (shameless?) girls that can flirt and tease without coming off like flirts or teases. I am definitely not one of them, though. I’m not a social pariah or anything and I like to think I can hold my own in a typical conversation, but the minute the element of attraction is introduced into the equation all that courage slips away. Once when I was working at the front desk, a gorgeous assistant researcher came into the office to drop something off. I saw Dr. Hot before he saw me, and was able to get it together enough to wipe the drool off my chin before he approached my desk, but as soon as he spoke, I lost my shit. Dr. Hot Northern Brit handed me some papers, and I tried really hard to maintain composure. Looking at him was like looking into the Eye of Sauron, though, and I could feel my wits fading. Barbara told me later that I’d said “thank you” but I don’t remember any of this. I remember that he smiled at me, the force of which melted all the bones in my body. When he left, closing the door behind him, I’m fairly sure I managed to wait until he was out of earshot before dissolving into a fit of giggles. He came back once after that day, and because I was prepared that time, I worked up the nerve to smile back when he unleashed his powers upon me. And that’s me at my professional best. I’m fairly sure if Dr. HNB approached me in a bar, I’d swallow my own tongue. I know everyone has a healthy dose of fear of rejection, but my lack of moxie is practically a physiological disorder.