This weekend I played Sims 3 for the very first time.

I started by creating a replica couple named Elsbe and Trenfon that were as alike to us as I could manipulate, using only 5 personality traits. Elsbe liked to cook and read, and was a vegetarian. Trenfon was a friendly computer whiz, also a vegetarian. “We” even looked like us. I was limited in my choices of defining our relationships, so I ended up selecting “housemates” (other options were sibling and spouse), with the hopes of cultivating our Sim-relationship into something more closely resembling our real relationship.

If you’ve never played this game before, a word of caution: Best not to start with two characters. The stress of keeping Elsbe and Trenfon both alive, while managing their conflicting schedules (Trenfon worked during the day, Elsbe worked at night), and trying to find the time to meet new friends, repair broken appliances, and get to know each other… it all proved to be too much. 

At one point I said to Real Trenton—henceforth RT—“I can’t tell if I’m having fun or not, but I don’t think I can stop.” I’d become overly invested in the success of our Sim-selves and it was stressing me out. RT suggested leaving Elsbe and Trenfon for the time being, and starting a new game with just one character.

This seemed like a sensible idea, so I saved “us” and began again, this time creating Elisabet. I started Elisabet as an adult (a mistake I won’t make again), and since I’d discovered from my first go-round that the only real point in Sims 3 is to get your Sims to do it—or woohoo as it’s known in the euphemistic Sims lexicon—as many times as possible while en route to your lifelong dream goal, I made Elisabet into a friendly, flirty, charismatic genius with a great sense of humor. She was also smokin hot and wore super slutty outfits all the time. Her sleepwear was just a bra and panties, meaning she often did things like check the mail, retrieve the paper, and scrub the toilet, all while in her skivvies. Hot. Elisabet’s lifelong dream goal was to become a world-class surgeon (that’s the genius side of personality), but like so many pretty girls I have known, she was really lazy and just wanted to chat and watch TV all the time. 

At one point I was dismayed to discover that Elisabet had transformed into an ‘elder’ in a matter of minutes. I hadn’t even had a chance to find her a man to woohoo with yet. She was a 65 year old virgin. Given her work ethic, I’d realized that if she was going to get anywhere in this world, she was going to have to marry up. Her male coworkers were all attached (can you Sim-cheat on your Sim-partner??? This option has just now occurred to me…) and although we’d spent countless hours wandering around Sunset Valley, chatting up eligible bachelors, all the nice ones were unemployed. Only the insane assholes had jobs.This was going to be tough for lazy, hot Elisabet. 

After she turned into an elder, I gave up finding a decent match and settled for Michael Bachelor. He was unemployed, yes, but he seemed nice enough and willing. Elisabet invited him over, and after whispering in his ear, complimenting his appearance, and giving him a massage, they kissed for the first time and then woohooed four times in the space of a single evening. Not too bad for a pensioner. 

But now having woohooed, and with not much hope of achieving her lifelong dream, I was about done with Elisabet. She was only a paramedic, and lived in a shitty one bedroom with ugly furniture and appliances that broke literally every morning. It was time to kill her off. 

At first I was worried that my desire to kill my Sim might make me emotionally disturbed, but when, after several failed murder attempts, I was prompted to type “how to kill your Sim” into Google, I realized I’m not alone. It seems at least half the fun in Sims 3 is to maniacally destroy your beloved creations, just as has been the case in the other Sim-permutations (remember unleashing monsters and tornadoes upon towns in SimCity?). 

Fire seemed like my best bet, so I walled Elisabet into the kitchen and had her make dozens of pots of macaroni and cheese which she then left on the stove and let burn. Four fires later, I realized the bitch was a survivor and I was just going to have to wait it out. I removed the stove, I removed the refrigerator, and I moved the walls in closer. At one point I bizarrely surrounded her by pink flamingos, but then when I noticed she was drawing a small mental boost from them, I removed those too. Then it was just 20 minutes of watching her whimper, grow dirtier, and continually pee herself. 

When the Grim Reaper finally arrived to take her away, I saw him express a thought-bubble icon that I’d seen several times above Elisabet’s own head during her slow demise. Something that indicated quite clearly “I’m having trouble moving around because there are no fucking doors!” Doors, thankfully, are no matter to the Grim Reaper, and he quickly dispatched Elisabet to the hereafter, turning her into a creepy pale avatar with eyes like Storm from X-Men.

I don’t think I’m going to return to Elsbe and Trenfon anytime soon. The stakes are too high and I don’t think I would handle their failures well. Late last night, I said to RT that it kind of reminded me of when we used to put our friends into our wagons in Oregon Trail. “Elsbe has died of dysentery. Trenfon has been bitten by a snake.” But with the Sims, trying to advance careers, repair broken sinks, and find the time to meet new friends, learn about gardening and woohoo once in awhile… it’s all just a little too real. 

For now I’m going to stick with characters that I don’t mind seeing moan in agony while they pee themselves and get filthy, watching their pot of macaroni and cheese catch fire. Again.