I can’t really explain why, but saying “I love you” has never been easy for me. Not to family, friends, or otherwise. It’s not that I don’t—I surely do—it’s just that I have trouble voicing the actual words. I can write it, no problem, but when I have to say it, often it comes out without a subject. “Love you!” And there’s a difference, of course there’s a difference. And the addition of the exclamation point; even spoken aloud, you can hear its presence. The exclamation point makes a difference, too. It’s tossed out, it’s casual. I hate myself for doing it, because I don’t mean it at all. I don’t want to trivialize the sentiment—I want to return it with the full force of its potency, but more than once, I’ve responded to an “I love you” with a “Love you, too.” Inexcusable. From there, it might devolve further into a “love ya.” Nothing quite so inadequate and depressing as a “love ya.” It’s meaningless.

In my mind, there is a clear and discernible difference between the love I feel for a person, and my ability to tell them about it. Some blockage in the route from heart to mouth. I’m sure it’s an issue of vulnerability— fear of putting myself out there, but you’d think when someone puts himself/herself on the chopping block first, that some of that fear of making myself vulnerable would dissipate. But it doesn’t. In every relationship I’ve ever had, I’ve never been the one to say it first. With Seth—poor guy—it was days, days before I was able to say it back. But even in more pedestrian settings, when a family member says it, for example, and there’s no rejection or vulnerability to worry about, I still have problems getting the words out. The way I see it, when someone says “I love you”—a fully formed, subject verb object I love you—that’s their business. If they feel comfortable expressing that grammatical kind of love for me, good for them. It doesn’t make me ease up in the slightest. No matter how frequently some people say it to me, I still get a heartbeat-quickening feeling of anxiety when it’s time to say it back.

There might be a few exceptions, but for the most part, the only people to whom I can/could comfortably return an “I love you, too” —with no exclamation points and no missing pronouns—are the people with whom I can/could comfortably begin the exchange. Like I can’t say it back unless I might have conceivably said it first already. Sick, right? I could probably use some therapy…

Maybe it’s not such a bad thing. I’ve known people who toss the phrase around like “I love you” sluts, and maybe that cheapens it a little. But there’s a line between sanctifying the expression and withholding it unnecessarily. I fear I’m on the wrong side.