Often in my life I’m struck with this hard-to-pin-down urge or craving for something. And I can hardly ever figure out what it is I want or need, but I do know I want or need it badly. There’s a number of things I neglect in life—I’m rarely balanced—and when these cravings strike, I know I could be after any one of a number of things. To write, to read, more iron, more protein, a glass of water, a nap, a good fuck, a walk outside, a sandwich, to call my best and most neglected friends Jen and Theo, drugs, a dog, to brush my teeth… Could be anything. And when I try haphazardly to fulfill a handful of those things, shotgun approach, I end up overdoing it. Even if the thing I wanted most slips in there, if I can’t identify it, it never completely satisfies. There are very few things in life so relieving and satisfying as being able to identify EXACTLY what you want at a given moment and then GET it. I did it the other day, with a plate of linguine and marinara.

And sometimes I do know exactly what I want or need that would make me feel fulfilled, content, at-ease, and balanced but those rare moments come at inconvenient times. I really hate to run. Like, a lot. I have the utmost respect for people who run “recreationally” but I’m only going to run if someone is chasing me, and even then probably not for very long. But once in a blue moon, I’ll get the urge to go for a run. My use of the word “moon” is not random, because these rare occurrences almost always happen in the dead of night, when most sane people are sleeping, and only psychopathic rapists are running.

It’s on my mind because as I was walking across campus to pick up my lunch, it occurred to me that I really need to sit outside in the sun. I don’t even need a beach—although, that’d be nice—I just need some vitamin D and a sunburn. Course, I’m at work for the next 4 hours, and by then either the urge will pass, or it’ll be raining.